Wednesday 13th Feb
13.40: Currently sat on a bus. Hard to write as it is so bumpy. Will continue upon arrival in San Ignacio.
19.52: I am sat on a tall bar stool in the kitchen of the San Ignacio Bella’s (they have three hostels) and I am drinking a cup of tea. The first cup tea I have had in over three weeks. Obviously double bagged it as it doesn’t smell strong enough despite the English breakfast tea label. This change of scenery is very welcome, Caye Caulker was really special but I had spent enough time there.
After I had made the decision not to adopt Lucy I felt as though a huge weight of burden had been lifted. Making an informed decision took much longer than it would have back home but I wanted to check that it was definitely impossible before writing it off. I hung about at the hostel chatting to people all afternoon yesterday, a very social day. Darren and I had some chicken around the corner for dinner as the sun set, I now have a friend in Nova Scocia to visit! I ate so many times yesterday, I was truly spoiled. Today hasn’t been dissimilar!
I met a lovely lady named Annabel Valentine, an artist from Devon. A beautiful name for a beautiful soul. She reminded me of my cousin Jess, a gentle, kind, creative human. I hope to keep in touch with her and visit in the UK. There was a crazy storm in the night, mega rain, huge gusts of wind. When I woke up the washing line was on the floor, the bathroom door was hanging off! I went to the local coffee shop ‘ice and beans’ to get a nice strong coffee to fuel me for a good morning run and met a stranger who truly lightened my life. We somehow ended up sharing life stories and he ended up telling me the story of how he came to find out his father turned out to not be his biological dad. He hasn’t told his children, only his wife and his mum know. I felt really touched that he had shared it with me, a genuine and real chat with someone i’ll never see again. I guess it goes to show that it is much easier to tell that kind of thing to a stranger.
The boat ride out was tedious and busy. I kept nodding off. I am terrible on public transport. The bus was waiting to leave as we reached the station which was lucky so there was no hanging around for us. 10 Belize dollars for a two and a half hour bus, cheap as chips. The scenery was beautiful, again. Took me by surprise, as most of Belize had done! I bought some veggies and chickpeas to make a vegan dinner. There is an old American guy here named Jim who hikes everywhere, he offered to show me around and hike together tomorrow which I will most likely take him up on. A lot of people my age like to drink which I like to join in on sometimes but it affects me for longer these days and steals my get up and go, I want to get out and explore. I always think it’s safer to hike in a pair than alone so I think we will go together in the morning.
Thursday 14th Feb
16.42: What a wonderful day. I woke up at 06.30 and tried to make a coffee. The percolator had the most important part missing so I had to improvise with a sieve. Made porridge; too much though as always. Stirred in some peanut butter and banana, perfect hiking fuel. Jim and I spent all day walking about. First we went to Bullet Tree to see a river fall, so much greenery, colourful wooden huts for houses on all of the river banks. The river was beautiful and wide, an upsetting amount of rubbish on the banks and surrounding areas as the locals here don’t seem to understand about pollution (so I keep being told.) We saw chickens, chicks, sheep, goats cows and horses while walking in and out of villages, I would guess that we made it about 2 or 3 miles down the road, passing run down huts on stilts next to larger wooden houses being built. A large contrast in status. We talked a lot, he told me about his late wife and his three kids, we actually had quite a laugh, his eye was similar to mine, we pointed out the same things as we noticed them. The pair of us picking up litter as we moved along, trying to make a small dent in a huge problem. A lovely Canadian woman picked us up as we were walking back, hitch hiking is a surprisingly safe way to travel around Belize and as I wasn’t alone it seemed ok! We then headed to Monkey Falls which was a great hike in the heat. When we arrived it truly felt like Fern Gully, the trees were massive and covered in vines, moss and other plants intertwining the tree roots, decorating the jungle floor. We swam in the clear turquoise river pool, I felt like I had stepped into my childhood dream!
Friday 15th Feb
08.27: Just sat listening to the new RY X album on the second floor at Bella’s, taking some space and staring at the sky. I am sat alone with my headphones on. The fog this morning was deceptive, beautiful nonetheless. A very welcome temperature change which soon burned away and turned into another belter of a hot day. I went out for a coffee with Darren early this morning to the local French bakery and started my day with a huge cinnamon roll, delicious. We walked around the massive market, looking at the mountains of second hand clothes from America alongside handmade local garments, and masses of different fruits and vegetables. So many colours. I sleep much better in this hostel, it feels safer, cleaner and much more comfortable. Today we move to the jungle Bella’s, I am excited.
‘Body sun’ makes me want to cry. It grabs me right in my core. I had to stop writing and shut my eyes to take it all in. This album is a masterpiece.
Yesterday’s walk was great, it turned out that I really enjoyed Jim’s company. The walk was very up and down, it didn’t feel too challenging or too easy, I could absolutely walk more today. I’ve enjoyed hanging out with Darren too who is the same age, he has some funny stories. I wonder if sometimes older people feel left out of younger circles and I think I can thank my first ever job at 13 as a hair washer in a purple rinse salon for giving me the confidence to talk to people who are generations apart. Age is just a number at the end of the day.
I have been really enjoying seeing how friendships grow and emerge. Sometimes first impressions can be changed. I had a lengthy chat with a guy who seemed very guarded and a little in-genuine who changed my mind with one conversation, Sam, a hilarious Swiss/English guy is my new favourite person, I laugh a lot when I chat to him. He often sounds Irish, with a touch of South African so it took me ages to attempt to figure out where he is from. He’s a proper giggle.
I am so thankful for this possibility. I am grateful to have new experiences each day and see an abundance of natural beauty.
09.38: I am on my second listen of the RY X album, I am completely bursting with gratitude, love, obsession, sadness, heartbreak, healing and euphoria all at once. Funny how music can do that to me, and do nothing to the next listener. I sat and meditated for a while, I could feel my energy spinning, it was quite magical. I felt a huge water drop on my toe which was situated under my knee, I couldn’t fathom where on earth it came from. I decided it was time to stop meditating. Ha.
15.43: Sat on a tiny (uncomfortable) bench staring down through the tall jungle trees into the river here at the jungle camp. Incredibly peaceful here. We swam in the river almost immediately like excited children, swinging from the rope swing which was deceptively difficult, especially the more we used it as the t-bar handle became more slippery when wet! I have some epic fails of us slipping on my phone. I helped the pit bulls in and out of the water, they are like bricks in dog form, so thick.
22.00: The whole Bella’s family and guests cooked together on the bbq tonight, with a few home made salads too. I ate enough for about two more days. I like it here but I think Guatemala is the place for me, I can feel it pulling me. After dinner the guys asked me to play guitar for them, so I did, though my inner voice was telling me not to. It was lush to play a full size guitar again. It was weirdly liberating, I think I did myself justice, Darren said I constantly surprise him which was a lovely compliment. I am really beginning to feel like we have a little family vibe with this group.
Saturday 16th Feb
06.32: I woke up at 05.40, five minutes earlier than Nelly (one of the hostel guys) suggested we all get up for a sunrise bird spotting walk.... I could still hear them partying at 1.30am so I knew it wouldn’t happen! I got up, regardless. It is misty, a little chilly and raining ever so slightly. I can hear many different birds including a woodpecker. Some twittering sounds, one that swoops, one that sounds like an owl. The morning curtain of mist is so welcome right now, I dreamt about leaving for Flores, maybe I will do so tomorrow.
09.46: Listening to music that used to comfort my sadness is strange now, it almost gives me a new level of strength and determination. Comfortingly beautiful to listen to. I think my meditation yesterday changed me, I feel older now. I am more than pleased that I am me these days, I spent so much of my life feeling the opposite. I know now that all of the hardship was worth it to lead me to this exact spot, both physically and mentally. ‘Friday i’m in love’ just came on as I am writing this, so many good memories attached to this song. I feel like if I were a song, this would be it.
I took the yoga mat down to the middle flat part of this mountain we are on and spent an hour moving through poses. It will sound ridiculous but at the end I put my hands to the ground and imagined the scene in Fern Gully where she touches the floor and connects with the energy, so I visualised doing just the same. I took myself off for a stroll as no one was awake at 7am, the morning light was crisp though mutes by the omnipresent mist. The fog defined each layer of tree so perfectly, I will never tire of such a view. I bought some eggs from a tiny local store and she let me connect to her wifi so I could connect to the family at home. I took a photo of my face, I look different now. The outside matches the inside. The years of work on building myself back up, layering self appreciation on top of confidence, the positive affirmations, really following the things that make me happy are all culminating. Though I still make mistakes, of course, old habits are difficult to eradicate completely, I am maintaining a level of inner peace. Being able to adventure this way really magnifies it all. I am really living my life.
17.24: Just had my first coconut of the trip. Dylan collected some after we had been on a jungle hike. So fresh.
Sunday 17th Feb
07.12: Slept like a log. I am beginning to feel unwelcome at Bella’s, it is time to leave. The owner has a funny way of saying things and I think she doesn’t like me, despite my constant politeness. It feels like time to move on.